Showing posts with label Entries in English. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Entries in English. Show all posts

Sunday, September 01, 2013

夢醒

空氣沈重,四周暗淡,時間停頓。
當一切煙消雲散,不可思議的夢原來一直是一個進不去的世界,不願醒來無奈身不由己,夢醒的一刻心往下沈,不想相信卻不能不信,雲後的天空就是遙不可及。
決絕的現實猶如大門狠狠關上,震撼又無情,剩下的就只有一個空虛的困局,無能為力的身軀只能走到這,追夢的過程原來是如此疲憊。

The air becomes hard to breathe. My surroundings darken. Time stops.
At the moment when all hope vanished, the wonderful dream turned out to be an unreachable world all along. I wish I didn't have to wake up, but the decision has never been mine. My heart sinks as my dream is over. I don't want to believe, yet I have no choice; the sky above the clouds is just beyond my reach.
The finality of reality is like a hard slamming door, deafening and relentless. Standing at the crossroads where only emptiness is left, my incapable body can no longer move forward. As it turns out, the journey of chasing one's dream is arduous and exhausting.


Johnston Road, Hong Kong

Sunday, October 14, 2012

走了 (Gone)


“Life goes on.”

It’s such a heavy message with just three little words; it’s simple and cold, but true. Sometimes you might even think it’s going on too fast. And it’s hard not to look back and search for that moment you treasure the most, and hold on to it. Then you realize it’s just your memory. And it’s all that’s left.

It seems like it was only yesterday that he walked into my life unannounced. I thought it would be just for a short time, but he stayed. And then slowly, without knowing, he had become a part of my life. I’m no longer that kid with resentment; I’m grateful that he stayed. I just wish I got to tell him that before he left too soon without saying goodbye.

為了他而作的決定,因他而說的抱歉,一切都在他離開的一刻成為過去。
Following his departure, the decision and apology made because of him have become the past.

他似一陣風飄來我身邊,又似一陣風悄悄的走了 ” – 媽媽
“He came to my life like a gust of wind, left quietly like a gust of wind as well.” – Mom 

Like he used to say “珍惜眼前人
Cherish the present one.


Kanaleneiland, Utrecht

Friday, December 03, 2010

Distance

You heard my voice
You guessed my name
It was despondent
It has changed
 
I grasped your words
I recalled your face
They were wonted
It was vague
 
My saddened thought
Your indifferent shrug
My inane desire
For your distant love


Nashville, TN

 


Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Have I been mugged?!...

A couple of days ago, I went to a laundromat for the first time in my life. I never thought I would go to a laundromat simply because I had always stayed at somewhere with a laundry room, a washing machine or laundry service up until now. To be fair, Radisson, where I'm staying at the moment, does have laundry service. But who would pay $2.50 to wash a pair of socks? I am not cheap, but I do have a lot of socks. So my friend, Eric, and I decided to do our laundry at a local laundromat, which turned out to be not so local. We took 3 different freeways to get to another middle-of-nowhere, and mysteriously there's a laundromat. 

So at this point, you might think that I would have brought quarters with me, right? No, I didn't. I don't carry coins, remember? Eric came well prepared with loads of quarters, but he had got a whole lot more stuff to wash. So I thought I would use the change machine to get some vital quarters. I didn't think that was a problem since it was a laundromat, so there must be a change machine. I was wrong; there were two change machines. So I picked one. Those who know me well know I suck at multiple choice and true/false questions. And there's no exception this time. I took out a $10, and put it right into the carefully selected change machine. I thought nothing could go wrong. But it did. It didn't give me any quarters, and gave me $5 back. Not a regular $5 as you would think though; it's this ->



I was looking at the half of a ten the machine gave back to me for 5 seconds, and I was speechless. Then I asked forcefully "really?!" Eric looked at me and tried to figure out what's going on. He saw the "$5" I was holding in my hand and the face I was making, he laughed.

"Have I just been mugged?!" I asked. 
"Yea, I think so," said Eric.

Nashville, TN

Friday, October 22, 2010

I should've stayed in LA with him


I shouldn't have come to Reno.


Reno, NV

Update:

I got a surprisingly important call from Kai at the airport when I was boarding the plane back to LA. He said that the LA Animal Services called him and told him that they found Lucas in the neighborhood where he was last seen. I called the department of animal services immediately, and the news was confirmed. On the phone, the officer asked me, "do you wanna come and get him back?" I said, "I spent $2000 to find him, so yea, I am flying back to LA to pick him up. And he's grounded forever."

Follow-up:

Lucas is now in Texas with Kai. He has lost a lot of weight; he has a small body with a big head - a combination of the two of us.

At the airport, everybody loved Lucas, including the TSA.


Left: Lucas in flight  Right: Lucas sleeping on/with his mom, Kai

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

The difference between Hong Kong & China

Three journalists from Hong Kong were beaten by Chinese police in Urumqi, Xinjiang, a troubled city in western China last Friday. The three TV journalists were doing legal news reporting covering the recent unrest in China. When they were reporting on site in Urumqi, local police kicked, punched, and shoved them to the ground. The Hong Kong journalists were taken by force and detained for three hours.

The incident has been investigated by the Chinese authorities. And the result was disappointing, but not surprising. According to the Xinhua News, the one and only official Chinese news agency, the Hong Kong journalists were “asked” to leave repeatedly by local police without success. Therefore, under the circumstances, they detained them. A Chinese official accused the three TV journalists of breaking the law as they reported on the protest. And of course that was not it. The three Hong Kong journalists were also accused of instigating a group of demonstrators to protest against the government.

As expected, the beating part was not mentioned at all. However, we must give commy some credit this time for being creative. Instead of admitting beating journalists up for reporting the truth, they called that “something that everybody doesn’t want to see took place.”

The story would’ve ended here if the three journalists were from mainland China. Well, journalists in China wouldn’t have committed such crime in the first place since they understand completely that protest is evil and reporting it is morally wrong and means hard labor camp or life sentence if lucky. But sadly or fortunately (depending on which side you are on), Hong Kongers don’t get that (yet). Hong Kong media rejected the results of the investigation and the accusation and issued separate statements. “The allegation of inciting public disorder by the relevant Xinjiang authorities is wholly a fabrication.” said Hong Kong news organizations in one of the statements.

In my opinion, “fabrication” is an understatement. If I were the one issuing statements, I would’ve called that “complete bollocks” and the people who made that accusation “tossers”. Oops… please forgive me. I always wonder how my life would’ve been if I were born and lived in China, not long I guess.

Alright, now let’s get back to the subject matter – What’s the difference between Hong Kong and China? According to the Associated Press, “Unlike mainland China, Hong Kong is promised Western-style civil liberties and is home to a vibrant media industry known for its aggressive, uncensored coverage of the rest of China.” And according to my parents and some of my friends, most (if not all) Hong Kongers know that commy can’t be trusted, whereas people in mainland China don’t have a choice (they might know that too, though).


S Alexandria Ave, CA

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I'm married

"I'm married" said my mom.

I didn't know how to respond to such short but powerful sentence. Afterall, I don't get this very often, not from my mother at least. And you gotta admit telling someone you're married is not the best way to start a conversation; however, it's different this time.

My mother and I haven't had a nice conversation for years. Ever since I left home, we have our seperate lives - I've been working my ass off to undo the damages she has caused me while she's persuing her new life in Hong Kong, the city she loves the most, the place she has the best and the worst memories.

Hong Kong is such a special place to my mom not just because she's from there. It's also the place she met her first love and had her heart broken into pieces. And who's that lying basterd who broke her heart? That'd be my father. It was a typical "country girl meets rich bachelor" story. And like most movie plots, the rich guy married another rich girl, and the poor country girl ended up pregnant.

A lot of people called my mom stupid. Well, she didn't make the smartest decisions in her love life. But honestly speaking, relationship is more complicated than making the right choice; no matter how smart you are in life, you can still get hurt.

In my 24 years of memory, my mother was never trully happy. When I was a kid, I just thought we had too many problems that we had to deal with, as she always said - life sucks. Life has sucked for her because she was always hopelessly waiting for something, like my dad's call, my dad's promises to come true, my dad's comforting lies, my dad's annual visit. One time, I caught her sitting on the floor in the kitchen crying. I never realized how hopeless and lonely she must feel.

After 20 years of waiting, she finally realized my dad's lies she believed in were not going to happen. The relationship between her and my father was officially a failure. It might sound like my dad was a lying asshole and a cheating basterd. He was. But the failure of their relationship was no one's fault. It's just unfortunate my mom fell in love with a person who's incapable of love. I don't think my father knows what love is. From what I know about him, he doesn't know how to love anyone but himself. Or maybe he does, but he loves only himself. Regardless of what the real strory lies behind this mess, my mom hasn't been loved the way she deserved, not until now.

"I'm married, finally. I'm really happy. I'm loved. Are you happy for me?" she sounded genuinly happy for the first time. "Yes, I'm trully happy for you" I responded. Everybody deserves to be loved, so do I. But how many of us actually get what we deserve. So I am really glad she has found her happiness she deserves after all these years.

I am happy she is genuinly happy at last. I hope one day I will be too.


Starbucks, Weyburn, CA

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Tella

It's been a while since we parted. I thought I had forgotten, but it all came back in a dream I had after nights of being self destructive. Everything seemed so real, so vivid down to the smallest detail, the scent of you, the feel of your skin against my lips, the way you taste, and of course, the juice I liked to suck out of you, the juice of the forbidden fruit; everything was just like the way I remember it.

The dream was so real that I was confused at first and had to think for a couple of minutes when I woke up from it. Was it real or was it just a compilation of some recycled memories I burried in my subconsiousness that I haven't been able to let go? Do I miss you or do I just miss the me I used to be? Perhaps I just miss the past, the past when I was able to feel the euphoria you brought into my life. Do I wish I could go back to the past? Perhaps a better question would be "have I ever left?"

Maybe the dream wasn't that real. Maybe it's because my senses have become numb from the excruciating pain of sorrow I put myself through, so reality seems less real to me.


Alexandria Ave, CA

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Rain


The long awaited rain arrived this morning. Unlike where I grew up, rain doesn’t happen very often in Los Angeles. But when it happens, Angelenos enjoy every single drop of it. I used to find it quite annoying. I guess I just took it for granted and neglected what it has to offer: a new beginning, a chance to refresh our minds and a hope that somehow by the end of the rain, the despicable stains in our lives will vanish into thin air. Yes, we all have some harsh stains on our souls we wish we could get rid of, like the consequences of our mistakes, the anguish of great loss, the addictions we gave into, the doubts over their innocence, the scars of their betrayals, and the toughest of all, the memories of their kisses; therefore, some of us wait quietly for the rain to pass, and hope it can liberate our souls. Sadly, some stains are so indelible that no rain can ever wash them away.


Weyburn Ave, CA

Friday, October 17, 2008

The other guy

I understand everything you said, no matter how tactfully you said it; I know what you really meant.

It was not worth it that the love we shared has been damaged because of some misunderstanding that’s hard to unravel.

There is nothing to blame though. I have attempted to salvage this relationship in every possible way. Nonetheless, no one is obligated to be with anyone. And having a change of heart is not an unforgivable sin. Even though I am devastated, I understand. Letting him take the blame is not right.

Hey, listen. There are competitors in every love. And I won’t be jealous of you two being happy together. Although my life has become tortuous because of this.

You are great; his choice and mine were not a coincidence. He bet his youth on you. And I’ll have to live the loss as gain.

Hey, listen. There are competitors in every love. And I won’t be jealous of you two being happy together. Although my life has become tortuous because of this.



Alexandria Ave, CA

Sunday, April 06, 2008

長夜 (A Long Night)

孤高走過,掩飾思憶眷戀
自欺欺人,逃避殘酷現實
輕描淡寫,道出簡單感傷
自問自答,更顯長夜落寞
無奈苦笑,只因欲哭無淚

To cover up my yearning and nostalgia, I walked through people in an unapproachable manner. To avoid the cruel truth, I deceived myself as well as others. Touching on lightly, I expressed my simple grief. The long night seemed even lonelier when I answered my own questions. At the end of the night, I forced a wry smile because it’s too deep for tears.

S Alexandria Ave, CA

Monday, March 17, 2008

離開 (Leave)

離開是為了回來還是為了回望過去風光?

不捨,自己又能記得多少? 又能給沿路上所遇到的留下多少?
從不同的雙眼看出去,我們的世界有多不一樣?

看真,原來不一樣的只是我們的看法。
真正難捨的原來是試著忘記的,也是揮之不去的。要牢記的從不重要。

原來離開純屬為了離開。

Is leaving for the sake of returning, or the sake of looking back?

Although nostalgic, how much can I remember? And how many memories can I leave to those I have come across on the way of my journey? Looking through different eyes, how different are our worlds?

It turns out that our worlds are miles apart just because we look at things differently. It has come to my realization that I am filled with nostalgia for those I try to forget. And those I try to forget are those I cannot let go. Those I have to force myself to remember are never important.

As it turns out, leaving is just for the sake of leaving.


S Alexandria Ave, CA

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

My prayer

曾活在混沌中怨恨不幸,因不幸而沮喪,因沮喪而看不清前方。為了走下去,我從學著不想,到學著遺忘。無奈越要忘記,就越是揮之不去。諷刺的是想抓緊的,卻偏偏抓不住。

在乎他們不在乎的、在乎他們的不在乎、在乎不被在乎。在乎太多,感覺失去的更多。因失去而學會了珍惜,奈何越是珍惜的,卻越容易失去。


I believe there is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they don't want to accept. I have been praying for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change because I used to rage against the hand that life had dealt me, the courage to change the things I can because I used to be cowardly and afraid to stand up for what was right, and the wisdom to know the difference because I used to give in to despair when faced with an impossible choice.

The good news is that I am sure my prayer will be heard and answered eventually. The bad news is that the answer might be just "no."

Life goes on, regardless of the answer. From where I stand now, I see enough of the road to understand how it must be traveled. The trick is to keep moving forward, to let go of the fear and the regret that slow me down and keep me from enjoying my journey.

我不會再試著遺忘,我會將失去活成一種獲得。


S Alexandria Ave, CA

Monday, January 23, 2006

New Yorkers' Tears

Located in the center of lower Manhattan, financial center of the world, the World Trade Center used to be the symbol of civilization. It was the pride of not only New Yorkers, but all Americans. Two giant buildings turning into ashes was a nightmare to everyone; it was a catastrophe for New York.

Years after the attack, everything seems to be back to normal. Lower Manhattan is still as busy as it used to be. Walking as if being chased, pedestrians never slow down, footsteps never stop. Impatient cab drivers drive in the big city; cars honk every five seconds. The noise is like the heartbeat of New York, showing that the city is still alive. Everything seems normal, except Ground Zero.

In order to go to Ground Zero, I took the E subway, the express line to the World Trade Center. From my observation, the E train was not different from other trains. It’s old, not clean, not very comfortable and quite inconvenient, just like the rest of the New York City subways. However, it’s special because the display board on the train shows that the World Trade Center is the destination. It’s not hard to understand why the E train’s display board is one of the most popular photo-shooting spots in New York. As a tourist, I had no reason not to take this train. After four years of listening to all the tragic stories reported by the media, I was finally on board the train to share the pain. And it was the first time that I truly understood how difficult it must be for those who lost loved ones.


It was rush hour by the time I arrived at the World Trade Center station. A lot of people had just left from work, and were rushing to catch their trains at this rebuilt temporary station. I was the only one walking slowly to Ground Zero. Each step I took brought me closer to the site on which the Twin Towers once stood.

Although the World Trade Center doesn’t exist anymore, the name of the PATH station next to it still remains the same. As the matter of fact, everything remains the same in lower Manhattan. Office buildings, shopping malls, hotels and the Trinity Church are still there; they are the survivors as well as the witnesses of the tragedy. It’s like they are there to remember the loss of the Twin Towers. The absence of the World Trade Center is reflected by their existence. The emptiness is emphasized by such big contrast.

The weather was freezing cold. The wind blew so hard, reminding me that the Twin Towers were no longer there to stand against it. Looking at the rubble, I felt even colder. There were other tourists standing at the observing spot besides me. But none of us were speaking. We were grieving for the loss of life. Even though it was so noisy right across the street, it was deadly silent on our side. It’s just like the site of the World Trade Center is isolated and exists in another world. The only thing we heard was the wind blowing; it brought sorrow to our hearts, and tears to our eyes.

An hour visit to the site of the World Trade Center has changed the way I feel about New York City. Although New York City seems to be fully recovered already, the emptiness is still there; it’s like part of it has died. And that part cannot be replaced. New York can never be the same without the Twin Towers, just like those who lost their family and friends can never live the same lives again. The pain still exists in every New Yorker’s heart. It is obvious that people still cannot accept the truth that the World Trade Center is gone. Everything that’s related to the World Trade Center remains virtually unchanged. The WTC express line still exists, and people still call the rebuilt station the World Trade Center station. All these show that the WTC has a irreplaceable place in everyone’s heart. Reflecting upon the absence is the best way to remember. Signs of the heart and soul, the toughness and resilience, of New Yorkers can be found easily around the site of the World Trade Center – the place once was the centerpiece of the world’s capital.

Fallenleaf Lane, CA