夢醒

空氣沈重，四周暗淡，時間停頓。
當一切煙消雲散，不可思議的夢原來一直是一個進不去的世界，不願醒來無奈身不由己，夢醒的一刻心往下沈，不想相信卻不能不信，雲後的天空就是遙不可及。
決絕的現實猶如大門狠狠關上，震撼又無情，剩下的就只有一個空虛的困局，無能為力的身軀只能走到這，追夢的過程原來是如此疲憊。

The air becomes hard to breathe. My surroundings darken. Time stops.
At the moment when all hope vanished, the wonderful dream turned out to be an unreachable world all along. I wish I didn't have to wake up, but the decision has never been mine. My heart sinks as my dream is over. I don't want to believe, yet I have no choice; the sky above the clouds is just beyond my reach.
The finality of reality is like a hard slamming door, deafening and relentless. Standing at the crossroads where only emptiness is left, my incapable body can no longer move forward. As it turns out, the journey of chasing one's dream is arduous and exhausting.

Johnston Road, Hong Kong

走了 (Gone)

“Life goes on.”

It’s such a heavy message with just three little words; it’s simple and cold, but true. Sometimes you might even think it’s going on too fast. And it’s hard not to look back and search for that moment you treasure the most, and hold on to it. Then you realize it’s just your memory. And it’s all that’s left.

It seems like it was only yesterday that he walked into my life unannounced. I thought it would be just for a short time, but he stayed. And then slowly, without knowing, he had become a part of my life. I’m no longer that kid with resentment; I’m grateful that he stayed. I just wish I got to tell him that before he left too soon without saying goodbye.

為了他而作的決定，因他而說的抱歉，一切都在他離開的一刻成為過去。

Following his departure, the decision and apology made because of him have become the past.

“他似一陣風飄來我身邊，又似一陣風悄悄的走了 ” – 媽媽

“He came to my life like a gust of wind, left quietly like a gust of wind as well.” – Mom 

Like he used to say “珍惜眼前人”

Cherish the present one.

Kanaleneiland, Utrecht

告別二十五歲

因為逃避遺憾與無奈
為了忘記憤怒和痛苦
我迷失在四面牆壁中

在漩渦低裡自殘
問號與記憶交戰
墮落於幻象之間

一個人，一瞬間，一發不可收拾
不計晝夜，不想面對，不再想你
忘了生命，忘了呼吸，忘了自己
為的只是尋找思緒中的風平浪靜
最後換來的卻是兩年的光陰蹉跎

回憶逐步遠離
帶著不滅傷痕
再繼續走下去
告別二十五歲

Nashville, TN

Distance

You heard my voice
You guessed my name
It was despondent
It has changed
 
I grasped your words
I recalled your face
They were wonted
It was vague
 
My saddened thought
Your indifferent shrug
My inane desire
For your distant love

Nashville, TN

 

Have I been mugged?!...

A couple of days ago, I went to a laundromat for the first time in my life. I never thought I would go to a laundromat simply because I had always stayed at somewhere with a laundry room, a washing machine or laundry service up until now. To be fair, Radisson, where I'm staying at the moment, does have laundry service. But who would pay $2.50 to wash a pair of socks? I am not cheap, but I do have a lot of socks. So my friend, Eric, and I decided to do our laundry at a local laundromat, which turned out to be not so local. We took 3 different freeways to get to another middle-of-nowhere, and mysteriously there's a laundromat. 

So at this point, you might think that I would have brought quarters with me, right? No, I didn't. I don't carry coins, remember? Eric came well prepared with loads of quarters, but he had got a whole lot more stuff to wash. So I thought I would use the change machine to get some vital quarters. I didn't think that was a problem since it was a laundromat, so there must be a change machine. I was wrong; there were two change machines. So I picked one. Those who know me well know I suck at multiple choice and true/false questions. And there's no exception this time. I took out a $10, and put it right into the carefully selected change machine. I thought nothing could go wrong. But it did. It didn't give me any quarters, and gave me $5 back. Not a regular $5 as you would think though; it's this ->

I was looking at the half of a ten the machine gave back to me for 5 seconds, and I was speechless. Then I asked forcefully "really?!" Eric looked at me and tried to figure out what's going on. He saw the "$5" I was holding in my hand and the face I was making, he laughed.

"Have I just been mugged?!" I asked. 

"Yea, I think so," said Eric.

Nashville, TN

I should've stayed in LA with him

I shouldn't have come to Reno.

Reno, NV

Update:

I got a surprisingly important call from Kai at the airport when I was boarding the plane back to LA. He said that the LA Animal Services called him and told him that they found Lucas in the neighborhood where he was last seen. I called the department of animal services immediately, and the news was confirmed. On the phone, the officer asked me, "do you wanna come and get him back?" I said, "I spent $2000 to find him, so yea, I am flying back to LA to pick him up. And he's grounded forever."

Follow-up:

Lucas is now in Texas with Kai. He has lost a lot of weight; he has a small body with a big head - a combination of the two of us.

At the airport, everybody loved Lucas, including the TSA.

Left: Lucas in flight  Right: Lucas sleeping on/with his mom, Kai

放手

捨不得落日的餘暉，忘不了燦爛過的痕跡，放不開逝去了的夢想，在那離不開的路口徘徊，癡想我的執著能留住昨天。從不甘到不捨、從不願放棄到不想糾纏，你與我都因為那個他失去了太多。當記憶寫成了文字、當感覺變得模糊、當對錯不再重要、當心已倦了，原來那年已是那麼遠。那改變不了的、拋不開的、得不到的、走不進的、留不住的，請放手，讓我走。願我們終有一天能找到各自的自由。

Alexandria Ave, CA

Zesentwintig

XXVI - het enige natuurlijke getal dat ligt tussen een kwadraat en een derde macht.

Gelukkige verjaardag.

Voor Kai met liefs van Cedric

S Alexandria Ave, CA

The difference between Hong Kong & China

Three journalists from Hong Kong were beaten by Chinese police in Urumqi, Xinjiang, a troubled city in western China last Friday. The three TV journalists were doing legal news reporting covering the recent unrest in China. When they were reporting on site in Urumqi, local police kicked, punched, and shoved them to the ground. The Hong Kong journalists were taken by force and detained for three hours.

The incident has been investigated by the Chinese authorities. And the result was disappointing, but not surprising. According to the Xinhua News, the one and only official Chinese news agency, the Hong Kong journalists were “asked” to leave repeatedly by local police without success. Therefore, under the circumstances, they detained them. A Chinese official accused the three TV journalists of breaking the law as they reported on the protest. And of course that was not it. The three Hong Kong journalists were also accused of instigating a group of demonstrators to protest against the government.

As expected, the beating part was not mentioned at all. However, we must give commy some credit this time for being creative. Instead of admitting beating journalists up for reporting the truth, they called that “something that everybody doesn’t want to see took place.”

The story would’ve ended here if the three journalists were from mainland China. Well, journalists in China wouldn’t have committed such crime in the first place since they understand completely that protest is evil and reporting it is morally wrong and means hard labor camp or life sentence if lucky. But sadly or fortunately (depending on which side you are on), Hong Kongers don’t get that (yet). Hong Kong media rejected the results of the investigation and the accusation and issued separate statements. “The allegation of inciting public disorder by the relevant Xinjiang authorities is wholly a fabrication.” said Hong Kong news organizations in one of the statements.

In my opinion, “fabrication” is an understatement. If I were the one issuing statements, I would’ve called that “complete bollocks” and the people who made that accusation “tossers”. Oops… please forgive me. I always wonder how my life would’ve been if I were born and lived in China, not long I guess.

Alright, now let’s get back to the subject matter – What’s the difference between Hong Kong and China? According to the Associated Press, “Unlike mainland China, Hong Kong is promised Western-style civil liberties and is home to a vibrant media industry known for its aggressive, uncensored coverage of the rest of China.” And according to my parents and some of my friends, most (if not all) Hong Kongers know that commy can’t be trusted, whereas people in mainland China don’t have a choice (they might know that too, though).

S Alexandria Ave, CA

I'm married

"I'm married" said my mom.

I didn't know how to respond to such short but powerful sentence. Afterall, I don't get this very often, not from my mother at least. And you gotta admit telling someone you're married is not the best way to start a conversation; however, it's different this time.

My mother and I haven't had a nice conversation for years. Ever since I left home, we have our seperate lives - I've been working my ass off to undo the damages she has caused me while she's persuing her new life in Hong Kong, the city she loves the most, the place she has the best and the worst memories.

Hong Kong is such a special place to my mom not just because she's from there. It's also the place she met her first love and had her heart broken into pieces. And who's that lying basterd who broke her heart? That'd be my father. It was a typical "country girl meets rich bachelor" story. And like most movie plots, the rich guy married another rich girl, and the poor country girl ended up pregnant.

A lot of people called my mom stupid. Well, she didn't make the smartest decisions in her love life. But honestly speaking, relationship is more complicated than making the right choice; no matter how smart you are in life, you can still get hurt.

In my 24 years of memory, my mother was never trully happy. When I was a kid, I just thought we had too many problems that we had to deal with, as she always said - life sucks. Life has sucked for her because she was always hopelessly waiting for something, like my dad's call, my dad's promises to come true, my dad's comforting lies, my dad's annual visit. One time, I caught her sitting on the floor in the kitchen crying. I never realized how hopeless and lonely she must feel.

After 20 years of waiting, she finally realized my dad's lies she believed in were not going to happen. The relationship between her and my father was officially a failure. It might sound like my dad was a lying asshole and a cheating basterd. He was. But the failure of their relationship was no one's fault. It's just unfortunate my mom fell in love with a person who's incapable of love. I don't think my father knows what love is. From what I know about him, he doesn't know how to love anyone but himself. Or maybe he does, but he loves only himself. Regardless of what the real strory lies behind this mess, my mom hasn't been loved the way she deserved, not until now.

"I'm married, finally. I'm really happy. I'm loved. Are you happy for me?" she sounded genuinly happy for the first time. "Yes, I'm trully happy for you" I responded. Everybody deserves to be loved, so do I. But how many of us actually get what we deserve. So I am really glad she has found her happiness she deserves after all these years.

I am happy she is genuinly happy at last. I hope one day I will be too.

Starbucks, Weyburn, CA

公義長存

一九八九年民運時期，本人因護照問題在香港濟留十個月。當年自己只是一個不懂國家大事的孩童，但小人當道政客橫行的恐怖和天安門大屠殺的畫面，讓我有了對原則、信念和真相的執著。

去年與一位Princeton畢業的朋友討論到"六四"這個敏感課題，我們各執己見。他認為中共政府在過去五十年帶領中國脫貧富強經濟起飛，利多於弊，宏觀之下，為了整體利益和發展，不計手段對錯也在所難免。站在不同的立場，我明白他說的，但不能認同。

小弟愚見: 小人惡行、戾橫折曲，從日常瑣事到國家政事，不公義之事經常發生。但公義是不能用金錢購買、以武力強搶、從強權奪得，這是從個人到國家以致世界的不變真理。經濟利益與是非黑白是兩回事。

修身齊家治國平天下，在下愚昧，沒有從政的智慧，當然也沒有能力像當年在坦克下捍衛民主的英雄烈士般以性命保衛公義到最後一刻;雖不能兼善天下，小弟還能自善其身，能做的就是將所知道的事實以文字記錄下來，毋忘六四，等待平反。

不向歪理妥協、不向強權低頭、堅守信念的重要，是世界華人在八九民運"血染的風采"下學會昂貴的一課。

白紙黑字圖片錄像記載，親眼目睹，事實就是事實，豈能一句"沒有發生"就當沒事發生?
難道二十年來爭取平反是假的?抗議遊行又是搏世人同情?

封鎖傳媒以威嚇蓋口亦不能改變真相，公義長存。

小弟無知，不會政治亦不懂世情。以上純屬本人在生活上和近來在身邊領略到的愚見。

Alexandria Ave, CA

Tella

It's been a while since we parted. I thought I had forgotten, but it all came back in a dream I had after nights of being self destructive. Everything seemed so real, so vivid down to the smallest detail, the scent of you, the feel of your skin against my lips, the way you taste, and of course, the juice I liked to suck out of you, the juice of the forbidden fruit; everything was just like the way I remember it.

The dream was so real that I was confused at first and had to think for a couple of minutes when I woke up from it. Was it real or was it just a compilation of some recycled memories I burried in my subconsiousness that I haven't been able to let go? Do I miss you or do I just miss the me I used to be? Perhaps I just miss the past, the past when I was able to feel the euphoria you brought into my life. Do I wish I could go back to the past? Perhaps a better question would be "have I ever left?"

Maybe the dream wasn't that real. Maybe it's because my senses have become numb from the excruciating pain of sorrow I put myself through, so reality seems less real to me.

Alexandria Ave, CA

Rain

The long awaited rain arrived this morning. Unlike where I grew up, rain doesn’t happen very often in Los Angeles. But when it happens, Angelenos enjoy every single drop of it. I used to find it quite annoying. I guess I just took it for granted and neglected what it has to offer: a new beginning, a chance to refresh our minds and a hope that somehow by the end of the rain, the despicable stains in our lives will vanish into thin air. Yes, we all have some harsh stains on our souls we wish we could get rid of, like the consequences of our mistakes, the anguish of great loss, the addictions we gave into, the doubts over their innocence, the scars of their betrayals, and the toughest of all, the memories of their kisses; therefore, some of us wait quietly for the rain to pass, and hope it can liberate our souls. Sadly, some stains are so indelible that no rain can ever wash them away.

Weyburn Ave, CA

The other guy

I understand everything you said, no matter how tactfully you said it; I know what you really meant.

It was not worth it that the love we shared has been damaged because of some misunderstanding that’s hard to unravel.

There is nothing to blame though. I have attempted to salvage this relationship in every possible way. Nonetheless, no one is obligated to be with anyone. And having a change of heart is not an unforgivable sin. Even though I am devastated, I understand. Letting him take the blame is not right.

Hey, listen. There are competitors in every love. And I won’t be jealous of you two being happy together. Although my life has become tortuous because of this.

You are great; his choice and mine were not a coincidence. He bet his youth on you. And I’ll have to live the loss as gain.

Hey, listen. There are competitors in every love. And I won’t be jealous of you two being happy together. Although my life has become tortuous because of this.

Alexandria Ave, CA

帶走

這天，煙霧迷濛。
日落將希望與生命力帶到海底。
看著夕陽把天邊最後的光彩帶走，我站在沿岸地帶給不會回來的送上永別詞。
在昏暗漫天之下，我不再是我。

S Alexandria Ave, CA

長夜 (A Long Night)

孤高走過，掩飾思憶眷戀
自欺欺人，逃避殘酷現實
輕描淡寫，道出簡單感傷
自問自答，更顯長夜落寞
無奈苦笑，只因欲哭無淚

To cover up my yearning and nostalgia, I walked through people in an unapproachable manner. To avoid the cruel truth, I deceived myself as well as others. Touching on lightly, I expressed my simple grief. The long night seemed even lonelier when I answered my own questions. At the end of the night, I forced a wry smile because it’s too deep for tears.

S Alexandria Ave, CA

離開 (Leave)

離開是為了回來還是為了回望過去風光?

不捨，自己又能記得多少? 又能給沿路上所遇到的留下多少?
從不同的雙眼看出去，我們的世界有多不一樣?

看真，原來不一樣的只是我們的看法。
真正難捨的原來是試著忘記的，也是揮之不去的。要牢記的從不重要。

原來離開純屬為了離開。

Is leaving for the sake of returning, or the sake of looking back?

Although nostalgic, how much can I remember? And how many memories can I leave to those I have come across on the way of my journey? Looking through different eyes, how different are our worlds?

It turns out that our worlds are miles apart just because we look at things differently. It has come to my realization that I am filled with nostalgia for those I try to forget. And those I try to forget are those I cannot let go. Those I have to force myself to remember are never important.

As it turns out, leaving is just for the sake of leaving.

S Alexandria Ave, CA

Vraiment Vivant

Il était une fois, un prince d’Asie du sud qui avait presque tout ce dont il avait besoin et ce qu’il désirait. Il n’avait jamais de problème parce qu’aucun problème ne se posait à lui. Étant un prince d’un pays paisible, un fils d’une famille parfaite, une personne sans problème, il était heureux tous les jours, et tous les jours se ressemblaient. Jour après jour, être heureux est devenu la norme, et il pensait que la vie était juste comme ça.

Un beau matin, le prince s’est assis à côté de la fenêtre et a réfléchi à la vie. Tout d’un coup, il a plu. Ce n’était pas la première fois que le prince voyait la pluie, mais il s’est rendu compte que les choses changent, rien n’est pour toujours. Bien qu’il sache cela, la vie était toujours la même de son point de vue. Il était perdu. Il ne comprenait pas, donc il est allé au temple et il a posé des questions au moine. Le prince était un jeune homme vraiment intelligent et curieux. Il ne supportait pas qu’il y ait quelque chose d’incompréhensible. Et chaque fois qu’il avait des questions, il demandait au moine parce qu’il savait que le moine était le meilleur maître de sa vie.

Comme d’habitude, le prince est arrivé au temple avec une question. Il savait, sans doute, que le monde change. Mais ce fait allait au-delà de sa compréhension. Il savait, mais il ne pouvait pas voir. Le moine sourit, et il a dit "Comment vous attendez-vous à voir les changements si vous ne changez jamais ?" Le prince a bien compris ce qu’il voulait dire. Et puis il s’est rendu compte qu’il voyait le monde de la fenêtre de sa chambre tout le temps.

Alors le prince s’est décidé à sortir du palais et est entré dans le monde réel. Il observait le monde réel, sa vie nouvelle. Tous les jours il y avait une nouvelle leçon. Il était étonné que la vie soit imprévisible. Il était très enthousiaste, mais en même temps, il avait peur aussi. Le prince n’était plus un prince dans le monde à l’extérieur du palais. Il était appâté par l’excitation, l’imprévisibilité, et l’enjouement. Mais il n’était pas sûr de pouvoir supporter la douleur, le risque, et les ténèbres de la vie. Une fois de plus, le prince est retourné au temple et à demandé conseil à son maître.

Ça faisait un bon moment que le prince n’avait pas rendu visite au moine. Dans le temple, il lui a raconté ses observations sur la vie, les leçons du monde réel, ses espérances, et ses soucis. Puis le moine lui a posé une question bizarre "Comment savez-vous si une poire est mûre ? Comment cueillez-vous une poire sucrée ?" Le prince ne savait pas pourquoi le moine lui posait cette question, mais il a répondu avec confiance "Je touche la peau et examine la couleur d’une poire. " Le moine regardait le prince d’un air sceptique, et il lui a demandé encore "Mais comment pouvez-vous être vraiment certain ? "Le prince l’a répondu sans penser "Pour découvrir et être absolument certain, il faut que je la mange. "À ce moment le moine sourit parce qu’il savait que le prince l’avait compris. Le prince a enfin compris ce que le moine voulait dire – la vie est là pour que nous la vivions, elle n’est pas là pour que nous l’observions.

Le prince s’est rendu compte qu’il était seulement un observateur de la vie tout le temps. Bien que son corps sorte de sa chambre, son âme était toujours dans le palais, son cœur était protégé par le mur. Il s’est décidé à participer. Il ne voulait plus être juste un observateur. Il a changé et il a appris l’art de la vie. Il a dû affronter de nombreux problèmes, mais il a vécu les meilleurs moments de sa vie aussi. Il a osé prendre le risque de la vie, il a osé ouvrir son cœur. Pour la toute première fois, le prince est tombé amoureux d’une jeune fille. Il l’aimait tellement, il la chérissait énormément. Ils étaient très content ensemble. Mais malheureusement, les bons moments ne pourrait pas durer éternellement. Elle est décédée. Elle a changé la vie du prince complètement et irréversiblement. Mais elle l’a quitté comme ça, le prince s’est effondré.

Dans le temple, le prince a demandé en larmes au moine "Pourquoi faut-il que les choses changent ?" Le moine lui a répondu "Le changement seul est éternel. Vous pouvez voir les changements de la vie parce que vous avez changé aussi. Vous avez de fortes douleurs parce que vous avez découvert le vrai sens de la vie. Vous sentez, parce que vous êtes vraiment vivant."

Le prince a continué son voyage. L’histoire se ne termine pas avec "Ils vécurent heureux et eurent beaucoup d'enfants", mais après tout, la vie n’est pas seulement du bonheur.

Novel Cafe, Westwood, CA

**

**This is an original story inspired by my recent experience in college.

Je La Chéris

Est-ce que vous croyez au coup de foudre? Est-ce que vous croyez à l’amour? Je n’y croyais pas. Et je ne savais pas que je pouvais aimer quelqu’un jusqu’à ce que je rencontre l’amour de ma vie. Je pensais que nous étions destinés à être ensemble. Je lui ai donné tout mon cœur. Le temps passe vite quand on est heureuse. Ces quatre mois étaient le meilleur moment de ma vie. Nous nous ne disputions jamais parce que nous nous comprenions très bien. Je pensais que nous étions des âmes sœurs. Mais maintenant, je sais que ce n’est pas vrai. La raison de la rupture n’est pas importante, mieux vaut ne pas y penser. Il faut que je me concentrais sur ma propre vie. Je dois être content que je aie connu le sentiment d’amour. Je sais maintenant que je peux tomber amoureux de quelqu'un. Je ne savais pas avant. Ces quatre mois sont une expérience précieuse. Je la chéris. Je suis reconnaissant pour ce cadeau.

S Alexandria Ave, CA

微明

夜幕低垂，人來人往。穿插於不同口音與新舊面孔之中，試著從平凡中發現不平凡；努力在熟識中尋找新鮮，再習慣新鮮。從尋找到等待，再從等待退到活著，一切都有它既定的模式。走出規限成為點綴人生的藝術。

目送長夜，讓零碎琴鍵帶著記憶自省。短暫的微明在不變中寫出萬變、在尋常中展現驚奇，每次再遇都有新一番體會。它為這夜不完美的字詞寫上完美句點。

Powell, UCLA