夢醒

空氣沈重，四周暗淡，時間停頓。
當一切煙消雲散，不可思議的夢原來一直是一個進不去的世界，不願醒來無奈身不由己，夢醒的一刻心往下沈，不想相信卻不能不信，雲後的天空就是遙不可及。
決絕的現實猶如大門狠狠關上，震撼又無情，剩下的就只有一個空虛的困局，無能為力的身軀只能走到這，追夢的過程原來是如此疲憊。

The air becomes hard to breathe. My surroundings darken. Time stops.
At the moment when all hope vanished, the wonderful dream turned out to be an unreachable world all along. I wish I didn't have to wake up, but the decision has never been mine. My heart sinks as my dream is over. I don't want to believe, yet I have no choice; the sky above the clouds is just beyond my reach.
The finality of reality is like a hard slamming door, deafening and relentless. Standing at the crossroads where only emptiness is left, my incapable body can no longer move forward. As it turns out, the journey of chasing one's dream is arduous and exhausting.

Johnston Road, Hong Kong

走了 (Gone)

“Life goes on.”

It’s such a heavy message with just three little words; it’s simple and cold, but true. Sometimes you might even think it’s going on too fast. And it’s hard not to look back and search for that moment you treasure the most, and hold on to it. Then you realize it’s just your memory. And it’s all that’s left.

It seems like it was only yesterday that he walked into my life unannounced. I thought it would be just for a short time, but he stayed. And then slowly, without knowing, he had become a part of my life. I’m no longer that kid with resentment; I’m grateful that he stayed. I just wish I got to tell him that before he left too soon without saying goodbye.

為了他而作的決定，因他而說的抱歉，一切都在他離開的一刻成為過去。

Following his departure, the decision and apology made because of him have become the past.

“他似一陣風飄來我身邊，又似一陣風悄悄的走了 ” – 媽媽

“He came to my life like a gust of wind, left quietly like a gust of wind as well.” – Mom 

Like he used to say “珍惜眼前人”

Cherish the present one.

Kanaleneiland, Utrecht

告別二十五歲

因為逃避遺憾與無奈
為了忘記憤怒和痛苦
我迷失在四面牆壁中

在漩渦低裡自殘
問號與記憶交戰
墮落於幻象之間

一個人，一瞬間，一發不可收拾
不計晝夜，不想面對，不再想你
忘了生命，忘了呼吸，忘了自己
為的只是尋找思緒中的風平浪靜
最後換來的卻是兩年的光陰蹉跎

回憶逐步遠離
帶著不滅傷痕
再繼續走下去
告別二十五歲

Nashville, TN

Distance

You heard my voice
You guessed my name
It was despondent
It has changed
 
I grasped your words
I recalled your face
They were wonted
It was vague
 
My saddened thought
Your indifferent shrug
My inane desire
For your distant love

Nashville, TN

 

Have I been mugged?!...

A couple of days ago, I went to a laundromat for the first time in my life. I never thought I would go to a laundromat simply because I had always stayed at somewhere with a laundry room, a washing machine or laundry service up until now. To be fair, Radisson, where I'm staying at the moment, does have laundry service. But who would pay $2.50 to wash a pair of socks? I am not cheap, but I do have a lot of socks. So my friend, Eric, and I decided to do our laundry at a local laundromat, which turned out to be not so local. We took 3 different freeways to get to another middle-of-nowhere, and mysteriously there's a laundromat. 

So at this point, you might think that I would have brought quarters with me, right? No, I didn't. I don't carry coins, remember? Eric came well prepared with loads of quarters, but he had got a whole lot more stuff to wash. So I thought I would use the change machine to get some vital quarters. I didn't think that was a problem since it was a laundromat, so there must be a change machine. I was wrong; there were two change machines. So I picked one. Those who know me well know I suck at multiple choice and true/false questions. And there's no exception this time. I took out a $10, and put it right into the carefully selected change machine. I thought nothing could go wrong. But it did. It didn't give me any quarters, and gave me $5 back. Not a regular $5 as you would think though; it's this ->

I was looking at the half of a ten the machine gave back to me for 5 seconds, and I was speechless. Then I asked forcefully "really?!" Eric looked at me and tried to figure out what's going on. He saw the "$5" I was holding in my hand and the face I was making, he laughed.

"Have I just been mugged?!" I asked. 

"Yea, I think so," said Eric.

Nashville, TN

I should've stayed in LA with him

I shouldn't have come to Reno.

Reno, NV

Update:

I got a surprisingly important call from Kai at the airport when I was boarding the plane back to LA. He said that the LA Animal Services called him and told him that they found Lucas in the neighborhood where he was last seen. I called the department of animal services immediately, and the news was confirmed. On the phone, the officer asked me, "do you wanna come and get him back?" I said, "I spent $2000 to find him, so yea, I am flying back to LA to pick him up. And he's grounded forever."

Follow-up:

Lucas is now in Texas with Kai. He has lost a lot of weight; he has a small body with a big head - a combination of the two of us.

At the airport, everybody loved Lucas, including the TSA.

Left: Lucas in flight  Right: Lucas sleeping on/with his mom, Kai

放手

捨不得落日的餘暉，忘不了燦爛過的痕跡，放不開逝去了的夢想，在那離不開的路口徘徊，癡想我的執著能留住昨天。從不甘到不捨、從不願放棄到不想糾纏，你與我都因為那個他失去了太多。當記憶寫成了文字、當感覺變得模糊、當對錯不再重要、當心已倦了，原來那年已是那麼遠。那改變不了的、拋不開的、得不到的、走不進的、留不住的，請放手，讓我走。願我們終有一天能找到各自的自由。

Alexandria Ave, CA

Zesentwintig

XXVI - het enige natuurlijke getal dat ligt tussen een kwadraat en een derde macht.

Gelukkige verjaardag.

Voor Kai met liefs van Cedric

S Alexandria Ave, CA

The difference between Hong Kong & China

Three journalists from Hong Kong were beaten by Chinese police in Urumqi, Xinjiang, a troubled city in western China last Friday. The three TV journalists were doing legal news reporting covering the recent unrest in China. When they were reporting on site in Urumqi, local police kicked, punched, and shoved them to the ground. The Hong Kong journalists were taken by force and detained for three hours.

The incident has been investigated by the Chinese authorities. And the result was disappointing, but not surprising. According to the Xinhua News, the one and only official Chinese news agency, the Hong Kong journalists were “asked” to leave repeatedly by local police without success. Therefore, under the circumstances, they detained them. A Chinese official accused the three TV journalists of breaking the law as they reported on the protest. And of course that was not it. The three Hong Kong journalists were also accused of instigating a group of demonstrators to protest against the government.

As expected, the beating part was not mentioned at all. However, we must give commy some credit this time for being creative. Instead of admitting beating journalists up for reporting the truth, they called that “something that everybody doesn’t want to see took place.”

The story would’ve ended here if the three journalists were from mainland China. Well, journalists in China wouldn’t have committed such crime in the first place since they understand completely that protest is evil and reporting it is morally wrong and means hard labor camp or life sentence if lucky. But sadly or fortunately (depending on which side you are on), Hong Kongers don’t get that (yet). Hong Kong media rejected the results of the investigation and the accusation and issued separate statements. “The allegation of inciting public disorder by the relevant Xinjiang authorities is wholly a fabrication.” said Hong Kong news organizations in one of the statements.

In my opinion, “fabrication” is an understatement. If I were the one issuing statements, I would’ve called that “complete bollocks” and the people who made that accusation “tossers”. Oops… please forgive me. I always wonder how my life would’ve been if I were born and lived in China, not long I guess.

Alright, now let’s get back to the subject matter – What’s the difference between Hong Kong and China? According to the Associated Press, “Unlike mainland China, Hong Kong is promised Western-style civil liberties and is home to a vibrant media industry known for its aggressive, uncensored coverage of the rest of China.” And according to my parents and some of my friends, most (if not all) Hong Kongers know that commy can’t be trusted, whereas people in mainland China don’t have a choice (they might know that too, though).

S Alexandria Ave, CA

I'm married

"I'm married" said my mom.

I didn't know how to respond to such short but powerful sentence. Afterall, I don't get this very often, not from my mother at least. And you gotta admit telling someone you're married is not the best way to start a conversation; however, it's different this time.

My mother and I haven't had a nice conversation for years. Ever since I left home, we have our seperate lives - I've been working my ass off to undo the damages she has caused me while she's persuing her new life in Hong Kong, the city she loves the most, the place she has the best and the worst memories.

Hong Kong is such a special place to my mom not just because she's from there. It's also the place she met her first love and had her heart broken into pieces. And who's that lying basterd who broke her heart? That'd be my father. It was a typical "country girl meets rich bachelor" story. And like most movie plots, the rich guy married another rich girl, and the poor country girl ended up pregnant.

A lot of people called my mom stupid. Well, she didn't make the smartest decisions in her love life. But honestly speaking, relationship is more complicated than making the right choice; no matter how smart you are in life, you can still get hurt.

In my 24 years of memory, my mother was never trully happy. When I was a kid, I just thought we had too many problems that we had to deal with, as she always said - life sucks. Life has sucked for her because she was always hopelessly waiting for something, like my dad's call, my dad's promises to come true, my dad's comforting lies, my dad's annual visit. One time, I caught her sitting on the floor in the kitchen crying. I never realized how hopeless and lonely she must feel.

After 20 years of waiting, she finally realized my dad's lies she believed in were not going to happen. The relationship between her and my father was officially a failure. It might sound like my dad was a lying asshole and a cheating basterd. He was. But the failure of their relationship was no one's fault. It's just unfortunate my mom fell in love with a person who's incapable of love. I don't think my father knows what love is. From what I know about him, he doesn't know how to love anyone but himself. Or maybe he does, but he loves only himself. Regardless of what the real strory lies behind this mess, my mom hasn't been loved the way she deserved, not until now.

"I'm married, finally. I'm really happy. I'm loved. Are you happy for me?" she sounded genuinly happy for the first time. "Yes, I'm trully happy for you" I responded. Everybody deserves to be loved, so do I. But how many of us actually get what we deserve. So I am really glad she has found her happiness she deserves after all these years.

I am happy she is genuinly happy at last. I hope one day I will be too.

Starbucks, Weyburn, CA